Wanting It for Them: The Limits of Love and the Power of Desire

Reflections on “Desire”

Our son, James, loved baseball ever since he was three years old. As he grew and developed, he was quite good both as a pitcher and a catcher as well as a hitter. He loved to play, and he loved to practice.

Until he didn't.

One year, for some reason, he just wasn't as into it. He still loved to play the games, but he didn't want to practice nearly as much. I noticed that he was more interested in other things like music and video games.

The Subtle Shift: Wanting It Too Much

Every day I would ask him if he wanted to throw or take batting practice. Most days it took a little pushing, but he eventually would agree to go to the ball field or in the front yard. Once there, he was as enthusiastic as ever, but getting him there took more effort than I had been accustomed to.

Then one day it hit me: I wanted it for him more than he wanted it for himself.

I finally approached him one day and said:

"James, if you don't want to play baseball or if you don't want to practice, that is fine. I want you to be happy. But I have decided I am not going to want it more than you. I am willing to practice with you whenever you want, but I'm no longer going to ask you or suggest it to you. If you want to practice, you will have to ask me."

I don't know if James remembers that, but I sure do. It was a revelation to me.

Recognizing a Pattern

I began to see it was a pattern in my life. I tended to want things for people more than they wanted them for themselves.

• I wanted my friend to lose weight more than he wanted to do it for himself.

• I wanted my father to quit smoking more than he wanted to do it for himself.

• I wanted a family member to stop doing drugs more than he wanted to do it for himself.

• I wanted people to grow in their spiritual and emotional lives more than they wanted it for themselves.

• I wanted a marriage to be repaired more than the couple wanted it for themselves.

The Turning Point: Letting Go

I came to realize this was my issue, not their issue. This was my problem, not their problem.

I needed to change more than they needed to change. And I did.

“I can support people, encourage them, and equip them — but I cannot put desire into them. That desire must come from within.”

A Word from Viktor Frankl

Viktor Frankl, the Austrian neurologist and Holocaust survivor, wrote:

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Your Desire, Your Path

Discover your desires.
Own your desires.
For yourself — not for others.

It will create the path to achieving your own goals and chasing your own dreams.

Reflection: What Are You Holding On To?

What do you think?

How does it make you feel?

Steven